First smartphone, boy, age 18
While on vacation in Europe, our son dropped his child-safe Pinwheel phone on the pavement, and it smashed into smithereens. No wonder – the phone fell from a considerable height. The child in question was 6 feet tall, and it was shortly after his 18th birthday.
Time for the first smartphone, I conceded. You are an adult. Well, not really, but at least legally. And guess what – you’re paying for it. And he did. He had to function without any phone for 2 weeks – unthinkable for most teenagers – until we returned from our trip, which was no problem. Since he never had a smartphone, he had no smartphone addiction either.
So that’s how it went – our firstborn got his first smartphone at the age of 18 in the beginning of his Senior year of high school. At that age, he was probably the last teen in our state without one.
How is his smartphone use different compared to his peers given such a late start? One interesting observation – he is not using his phone for entertainment all that much. That function is reserved for the laptop (which he also purchased with his own earnings). He does spend an unhealthy amount of time on his computer – but only at home after school since that’s where laptop stays. Outside of the home, he uses the phone – as a music player, an e-reader, and a tool for communication, mostly with his buddies in the strategic board games community, and occasionally with his family. It seems that without any prompting our son naturally assigned separate devices to separate functions: phone is for communication, chromebook is for schoolwork, and laptop is for fun.
First smartphone, girl, age 16
Our daughter, a sophomore in high school, got her brand new iPhone at age 16 with money from her first summer job. She is mature and responsible. We had confidence trusting her with a smartphone at an earlier age, and 16 was the agreement we made with her years ago. Unlike her older brother, she did not break her previous child-safe phone, Gabb Phone 3, but preserved it to pass on to her younger brother.
Before the transition to a smartphone, we talked about the rules. The phone is yours, but screen time is not. Our rules apply as long as you live under our roof. Online is a dangerous place, you have to be careful. Think. Be kind. Humans come before screens. If something happens, you can tell us, and we will forgive you.
The biggest win of smartphone delay for our daughter is her psychological health. She never used social media before and still does not, so she happily missed all the drama that is responsible for mental health problems experienced by girls of her generation. Her well-being was not compromised. No depression, no anxiety, wholesome real-world friendships, healthy self-esteem – we are truly blessed. Her character, her sense of self-worth were formed in the real world, not in the toxic digital realms. Same goes for her study habits – her grades did not slip with the introduction of a smartphone. Some credit also belongs to our high school – they make students keep phones in phone organizers during the class, I took a picture of this one in one of the classrooms:
There was one noticeable negative outcome – her vocabulary deteriorated somewhat once she started communicating more online. For some reason, it is considered “cool” among teen girls to speak like sailors to each other.
We still use Bark for behind-the-scenes monitoring, and our Gryphon router keeps all family members safe from inappropriate content on our WIFI network. Social media is still off limits and our daughter is ok with that. She grew up without it and heard us lecturing over the years about the dangers of social media to girls’ self-esteem and mental health. Like her older brother, she uses her new smartphone for music, and communicates on Snapchat with her many friends – but only those she knows in the real world, never to strangers. She finds pictures online as inspiration for her art and her interest in architecture and design, studies a foreign language on DuoLingo, listens to podcasts, and reads – but prefers paper books. Reading is a habit that she formed over many years without a smartphone, and our hope is that it is a habit for life.
We prepared a smartphone contract that we all signed. Our daughter actively participated in drafting the contract, and made several modifications (in her favor). If she is in the middle of texting her friend when asked to put the phone away, she has the right to finish the conversation, to be polite. Parents should respect her privacy – as long as it does not compromise her safety. If her brothers broke her phone, THEY would pay for a new one, not her. Fair enough.
The phone contract we put together addressed the majority of problems associated with teen phone use. It is divided into 5 sections: Honor Code, Manners, Usage, Consequences, and Parents’ Obligations.
Here is the complete text.
Teen Cell Phone Contract
HONOR CODE
I agree that having a phone is a privilege and a responsibility.
I will not text, email, or say anything online that I would not say in person.
I will not use the phone to hurt or deceive another human being.
I will not join social media apps without parents’ permission.
I will not communicate online with strangers, only with people I know in real life.
I will tell my parents immediately if something on my phone is inappropriate.
I will not share my personal information such as name, address, phone number, school, etc.
I will never give my passwords to anyone but my parents; I will not hand my phone to others, my friends can look at my phone as long as we are doing it together.
I will not post anything online that can and will be used against me forever and harm my reputation.
I will not believe everything I read, hear, or see online until I verify it is true.
I will not search/view/share anything inappropriate, like nude pictures of myself or others.
If anyone makes me uncomfortable online, I’ll stop talking to them and tell my parents or trusted adults.
MANNERS
I will not look at my phone when talking to someone in person.
I will not use my phone during meals or family time.
I will do my best to answer calls or texts from my parents in a timely manner.
I will not send, forward or respond to mean or threatening messages.
I will stay out of online gossip and drama. I will maintain my privacy and integrity.
I will give proper credit to others’ creative work online.
USAGE
I will live in the moment, not on my phone. If I am asked to stop using my phone, I will do so, unless I have to finish talking to a real person first.
Parents will always have access to my phone and any app. Any new app is to be approved by them.
I will charge my phone in the kitchen overnight no later than 10.30pm on weekdays, 11pm on weekends.
I can use the phone in the morning after getting ready for school.
I will not use my phone when I am doing homework or while in class, with the exception of academic purposes and non-distracting music.
I will never text or look at my phone while driving.
I will not buy or download anything without my parents’ permission.
I will always have my phone turned on when I’m out with friends.
If something happens to the phone and it’s my fault, I am responsible for replacement or repairs.
CONSEQUENCES
I understand that I risk losing phone privileges for violating any of the above: 1 day for minor violations, 1 week for severe violations, 1 month for catastrophic violations. Rules are in effect until the age of 18.
PARENTS’ OBLIGATIONS
Parents will pay the monthly fee for the cell phone.
Parents will monitor the phone regularly to keep me safe.
Parents will respect my privacy as long as it does not compromise my safety.
Delay is The Way
Why did we delay smartphones for so long? Years ago, we signed the Wait Until 8th campaign pledge to delay smartphones and stuck to our decision despite the pressure from the world – and grumbling from our kids. They had child-safe phones all through middle school and high school.
Was it worth it to hold out that long? It was not easy. Kids did not appreciate it one bit. The struggle was real, I wrote at length about it (My kids have no smartphones and they are ok). The whole time, they thought Mom was stupid and unreasonable.
No regrets, though.
Because our teenagers learned to function without a smartphone. To just be human. To be present in the world, and with other people. To entertain themselves without screens when they are bored. To enjoy reading. Smartphones came after the responsibility of their first jobs, and since they purchased their phones with their earnings, and are well aware of the cost of replacement. Although an adolescent prefrontal cortex is not fully developed until the age of 25, much more of an executive function was already there in the brain at 16 and 18 compared to, say, 12 or 14, to fortify them against the many digital harms.
They use their new smartphones a lot, but they are not obsessively attached to them, and can easily put them down if their presence and attention is required. Research is conclusive – the younger someone starts using addictive substances or engaging in addictive behaviors, the harder it is to break the addiction later in life. Our kids got their smartphones very late compared to their peers, and thus were largely inoculated from problematic smartphone use.
At night their phones are charging in the kitchen, as they sleep in their tech-free bedrooms to get much-needed rest before another school day. They don’t feel the compulsion to sneak the phone back into the bedroom, but should that ever happen, we have the phone safe to physically separate kids from phones at night. Nighttime is for sleep.
Our youngest child, at the age of 11, is very much an “iPad kid”, obsessed with screen time. He occasionally complains that his friends are all getting smartphones, why should he be content with a Gabb phone that has no games besides chess? We reply that it is only fair he has to wait until he is 16 (possibly longer, depending on his level of maturity), just like his older siblings. Because we love him, and we want him to grow up into a healthy, happy, functional adult without a smartphone addiction.
